Broken

Broken

While I was at girls came this year, we had the privilege of having kenneth cope come and he performed and spoke to us and he was as amazing as I thought he would be. This is one of my favorite songs that he performed. How often do we feel broken and small and useless? I know I do. It can be so discouraging. This song really spoke to me. It's ok that I'm broken. I'm supposed to be. I was made that way. It's part of His plan that we have weaknesses. If we bring our weaknesses to Him, he can heal our broken pieces. I had a hard day yesterday with my kids. They woke up really early, disobeyed me over and over again, made giant messes of things i had just cleaned... and when I have hard days with them I can't help but wonder why I'm a mother. Why am I even having another one? Am I crazy??? I am so bad at this... Of course, being hormonal a pregnant doesn't help. But then I remembered this song, and I listened to it, and I cried and I remembered that it's ok. I'm broken and I'm doing the best I can. The saviour will help fill in the cracks and hopefully my kids know that I love them even though I can get very upset with them. I have a lot to work on. Anyway,  make sure you click on the link at the top and give it a listen!

Tell them I was not his Father...

Another Christmas song that reminds of the Atonement----the Michael McLean one  where Joseph is singing about his relationship with Jesus, and he is lamenting how a carpenter so foolish and so flawed, could ever hope to raise the son of God...and then he tells how Jesus found the tender moments -------to let me know I'd done just fine. 

So we need to be close enough to the Saviour so we hear those tender moments when he is trying to tell us that too.    Then he smiled at me, me and my drum.   It's what we all need.  None of us can get back home without knowing he feels this way about us for real.

These words first touchd my heart when I was my very busiest at Christmas.

Baby Jesus,  I'm just a poor boy too
I have no gifts to bring
That's fit to give a king
Shall I play for him
On my drum ?

.....I played my drum for him
I played my best for him
Then He smiled at me
Me and my drum.

good tidings of great joy

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

 And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.

by Thomas Cole

 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

by Ruth Sanderson

 For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.

don't know the artist, but i think it's beautiful

   And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying,

  Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.--Luke 2:8-11, 13-14

Copyright Daniel Bonnell   www.BonnellArt.com

maybe shepherds are nobodies, alone in the dark in a field.  maybe they were tired and all wrapped up in their life's work.  maybe some were lonely or bored.  maybe some were dreamers or thinkers, or angry, or had family drama.  maybe they were just regular people living out the lives they were born into.  and that night the light shone on them and around them.  and the message was joy and peace and good will and it probably filled them up to bursting with wonder and amazement and light.  i like that it was shepherds who received the message.  because the angel said it was for all people.  it's for regular every day people in the midst of their lives and life's work, in all states of mind and being.  it's for everyone.  it's even for me. and if there is anything this world needs it's peace and joy and good will to all men.  i wish i could have witnessed it.  i love this last painting.  i like to think maybe it wasn't just the future pavarotis that were in the heavenly choir. maybe it was regular rejoicers  like me. 

 when i was on my mission, my first area was in handen where the temple was. the temple president was in my ward and his name was president wennerlund and he quoted this scripture to me one day.  

When the morning stars sang together, and all the sons of God shouted for joy?--job 38:7

he said i was a morning star.  i hope that's true.  and i hope i can sing my praise and joy now too.  in the way i live and the things i do.  because it's still true.  God gave us Christ and all goodness and joy and light come from him.  and because of him there can be peace even in the middle of a dark field or a dark heart or the storms of life.  i really believe in that, and i'm trying to exercise more faith in it.  

good news... it's so ordinary sounding. :)

 Let the mountains shout for joy, and all ye valleys cry aloud; and all ye seas and dry lands tell the wonders of your Eternal King! And ye rivers, and brooks, and rills, flow down with gladness. Let the woods and all the trees of the field praise the Lord; and ye solid rocks weep for joy! And let the sun, moon, and the morning stars sing together, and let all the sons of God shout for joy! And let the eternal creations declare his name forever and ever! And again I say, how glorious is the voice we hear from heaven, proclaiming in our ears, glory, and salvation, and honor, and immortality, and eternal life; kingdoms, principalities, and powers!--d&c  128:23

Dad has been reading to me out of our book over the phone and we have been discussing it---which in and of itself is a beautiful thing.That is enough to give me joy.  Each chapter in the book discusses a different way in which the Atonement is infinite.  The chapter we have just finished has been discussing how the Atonement is infinite in it's ability to exalt us.
       Relative to the discussion has been how we are to believe that we can be perfect , even as our Father in |Heaven and Jesus Christ are perfect.  I remember as a teenager when I was investigating the Church I asked the Missionaries if they thought people could be perfect----and I waited, intensely interested in what their answer would be-----and they hesitated, wondering what I was hoping to hear----but boldly gave the answer they knew was right.----they said yes.  That affected me deeply.  Later when I was reading the Book of Mormon and praying and asking if it were true-----something I did every night for almost a week and I was almost at the end of the Book of Mormon----how it took me so long I can not now imagine, but miraculously, by the power of the Holy Ghost, a scripture came to my mind, even though I had not stopped to ponder or mark any----Moroni 7:13-16.  That is when it came into my heart and mind that every concept I had been taught and the way the church was organized would be the most powerful motivating uplifting force that I could ever imagine, on my life I felt that if a person knew he was a child of God, with a divine potential, it would deeply affect the way he acted.  Robert Browning wrote in one of his poems---"....a man's reach should exceed his grasp, else what's a heaven for."  I also have felt that the very fact that we can conceive of perfection is indicative of our innate divine potential
      Of course that is why the Atonement is so absolutely necessary for all of us because our vision of how good we would like to be is always above what we actually seem to pull off, even giving it our best shot.  The comfort of knowing that Christ will enable us to do things we can't do ourselves and will never give up on us and will continually lead us gradually upward is so totally comforting that it allows doubt and fear to drain away and enables us to perform at an optimum level because of our inner assurance that his grace can give us. It is so simple and so beautiful and nothing else can be as powerfully and eternally effective.  There is a song I have heard, but can't remember what it is called that talks about how having faith in Christ enables us to feel serene, like a child at home----rather than a guest or stranger who is on egg shells about being on his best behaviour.  I also think of the difference in a child's development if their parents are really harsh and always on their case about how they are not measuring up as compared to the development a child might experience if he is in a loving home where he receives lots of love and positive reinforcement.------How the former might have a compelling drive to achieve---to please----being driven by his insecurities as it were, whereas the latter should be able truly blossom and develop his potential----because he feels so secure.
        Throughout my life,  my understanding of the enabling grace of the Atonement has grown---it still takes an effort on my part to recall and exercise my faith and feel that deep serenity, but I testify that it is possible for all of us to have it to help us.  I testify that the way I perceive myself and my life, I need it and that it has been my greatest help and enabled me to hang onto all that is good in my life.  I testify that it is the answer to each and every one's life's predicaments.  It truly lifts me out of my dark hours and shows me the little steps forward I need to keep taking and helps me to have joy along the way.
       Recently I have read another beautiful book I lucked out finding at a Garage Sale that I think you  can find out more about if you Google it on-line.  It is written by a christian woman   Kay Warren    and is called  "Choose Joy, because happiness is not enough"   It is really really good----I love it.  I think you would really like it too Laura.  I know she has some things on line.  She is very down to earth and humble.....and has a lot of faith in the Saviour.
       I too relate to the tears and the darkness----I'm afraid , my daughters, that some of you may get that from me----but hey, I'm not the originater of genes.  Kay Warren calls her personality type an Eeyore----but no matter what our natural tendencies, the Atonement is the answer.  And the deeper the sorrow the greater the joy.----that is the duality of mortality.  We know Jacob said so------2Nephi 2;22-25.

Love you all

A Hallelujah Christmas - Cloverton Music Video (with lyrics)

http://youtu.be/rZvJa-2aln8?list=PLJ3nj0AEos_gDarEyA-uVQ4XOv5uLcTr-


post edit--go to the link above to see the video.

upon them hath the light shined

i have been crying all day.  it isn't anything and at the same time it's the biggest battle i've ever had.  i can't name the cause.  i can't say this is why.  there's just this deep pool of sadness that i trip into.  i'm trying so hard but some days are just worse than others and i don't know why.  i watched a conference address by lorne c. dunn from april 1974 called holding on.  it was really good.  one of the things i am doing to hold on is to pray and study the scriptures.  today i had some doozy prayers. and then i blew my nose a lot and wiped my tears and settled in to study at renee's desk.  first i wrote down in my study journal about how i was feeling.  this is an excerpt, "i just have to hope that God can do it. that he can help me.  maybe if i just keep going, eventually i'll see the light, a change, maybe i'll have more good days than bad.  maybe i'll understand what to do.  maybe i'll have the courage to do it....i hope i can come out of these dark days."  then i stopped and looked up what was next on my list of scriptures to read.  it was isaiah 9:2

 "The people that walked in darkness have seen a great light: they that dwell in the land of the shadow of death, upon them hath the light shined."  i love this scripture.  it reminds me that there is salvation from darkness.  there are many kinds of darknesses.  it can be grief, or depression, or just being lost in life.  it can be the darkness of not knowing what to do or where to go, or how to act.  it can be discouragement, and lies that we start to believe about not being good enough or worthy of love, or whatever.  there are many forms and shades of darkness in this world.  and the shadow of death--there are many ways of dying.  it can be real physical death, or it can be separation and loss.  it can be death of something good inside of you, or the withering of your soul.  it can be losing the desire to really live.

but there is light.  and the source of all light is Jesus.  he is the light of the world.
For verily I say unto you that I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the light and the life of the world—a light that shineth in darkness and the darkness comprehendeth it not. --D&C  45:7
and if darkness is a kind of despair, then light is comfort.

Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.--matthew 5:4

O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.

  O Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.

 Sing unto the Lord, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.

  For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.--psalms 30:2-5

joy cometh in the morning.  i love that.  i hope in that because:

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlastingFather, The Prince of Peace. --isaiah 9:6

The Refiner's Fire-4

i keep finding things about this.  somethings seem unbearable.  people often say that we are 'not given more than we can bear'.  i think that's wrong.  i think we are given way more than we can bear, but that the saviour is there to help us bear it. he is the way out.  he is the strength and he is the deliverance.  and it is those times when i just cannot bear my burden that i am driven to my knees, that i call out and he always answers.

god with us

today i studied isaiah 7:14    "Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name *Immanuel." (*with us is God)

isaiah 40:9 O Zion, that bringest good tidings, get thee up into the high mountain; O Jerusalem, that bringest good tidings, lift up thy voice with strength; lift it up, be not afraid; say unto the cities of Judah, Behold your God!

and isaiah 60:1-3 "Arise, shine; for thy light is come, and the glory of the Lord is risen upon thee.

 For, behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and gross darkness the people: but the Lord shall arise upon thee, and his glory shall be seen upon thee.

 And the Gentiles shall come to thy light, and kings to the brightness of thy rising.

 sometimes when i think of the meaning of immanuel, God with us, i think of that song "what if God was one of us, just a stranger on the bus.." i suppose if that song was written for the people in jesus' time the lyrics would have been different, i imagine jesus living by me, walking past me in a shop and i didn't know who he was.  didn't know the saviour of the world brushed my sleeve, passed me a bowl of dates (it could happen), didn't know that the living waters was right there at my finger tips,   that the great healer of hearts and the one who will set all prisoners free was right there, with me on that road to emeus or by the well in samaria or by the pool of bethsaida or anywhere. that the light of the world was shining and i was blind to the light.

it's the same today.  and isaiah wanted to shout it from the mountain tops.  he's here.  he's with us.  God is with us.  and his light will shine on us.  and we'll know things that we didn't know--that God lives. that he loves us.  that he has a plan for us.  that there is salvation. there is redemption. that God is always with us.  i forget that sometimes.  i get caught up in cloudy darknesses and forget that he's there and he's promised to always be there.  and his arm is outstretched still.  i love the way this choir blasts out the message and let's it ring out.  glad tidings.  behold your God.  arise.  shine.  i hope i can.

being lifted up (uplifted)

Dad's and my plan is to continue reading the book we are reading every morning along with our scripture study.  It is an amazing book by Tad R Callister called "The Infinite Atonement"  I know Kyle has this book too.  We like the way it continually keeps before our minds the Atonement and all it can mean.    It hasd helped my understanding of the Atonement to grow so much.  To start with I could have written a paragraph about the Atonement----but that he can write a whole book about it  has opened my eyes of my understanding immensley.
   On page 221 he quotes Bruce Hafen "....the more this doctrine is explored, researched, and analyzed, the further its boundries seem to expand, almost with endless elasticity.It is as though someone had set a never-ending array of curtains in space.  At first, each curtain is lifted with the expectation it is the last, the conclusion of all spaces; but as one relentlessly pursues his course it finally dawns on him that there is no end to the blessings the Atonement bestows, no finale to the questions to be asked and answers to be found---at least not in our mortal lifetimes.  It is a wonderful exhilerating, yet humbling pursuit---a finite mind chasing the infinite"
     I personally love the Atonement because our faith in it is the ONLY way we can ever hope to really change and grow and become Christ-like.  I love the enabling grace and I have been a recipient in so many ways.
   My talk in church today was about the atonement----but I can't share it right now because it involves a story about a gift I am making for someone.  Maybe after Christmas.  Then you will undrstand the title of this post better, when I share how Christs enabling grace lifted me up.


   

update from a fub

Benman and I decided to study the gospels.  We're reading several pages a night. Just finished the sermon on the mount.

Refiner's Fire (Cover) part 3

refiner's fire revisited

i felt like i didn't do enough study on that topic.  so i did a search and found this excellent talk by a young and spry elder faust.  it was from april 1979. (a few weeks after this talk i had my big 5 year old birthday party with ballerina candles on the cake and ringlets in my hair. i can still remember a lot of people who were at that party. test me.) anyway, i miss elder faust and i really like this talk.  it's about 15 minutes, but maybe you won't mind.

My plan for the time being is to look for things in regards to the atonement as I do my scripture study.

I went to the temple on Tuesday night.  I really love how there is such different versions of the movie now.  It just helps me to see and learn new things.  You can't go through the temple and not think about the atonement.  One of the things that really struck me is how satan  tries to do everything he can to keep us from our Heavenly Father.  He doesn't just tempt us but he also tries to make us feel unworthy or distracted.  Then on the other hand we have the Saviour who is there to support us and is willing to forgive us and build us up.  Most importantly he provides a way out--just like he did for Adam and Eve.

refiner and purifier

today's scripture is in malachi 3 and talks about christ being a refiner and purifier of silver.   sometimes i think i need so much refining and purifying that maybe there won't be anything left after it's all done.

and the glory of the Lord!

today i studied isaiah 40:5 "And the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it."  i don't have much to say about it except just a little thing.  i think this scripture is talking about a day in the future when all people will see, and know and recognize  the Christ.  but i thought of it another way too.  that Christ can be revealed in us.  you know, like in"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven."--matthew 5:16  or "And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?"--alma 5:14 or "For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ."--galations 3:27 (i envision this as putting on a 'Christ suit', like a sumo-suit but so much better...and easier to move around in) or "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."--moroni 7:48. so what i mean is that we can reveal Christ to others by the way we live and love and act.  if we try to be like him, do his works, love as he loves.  it is something i think about sometimes and i wish i was better at it.


...i also wish someone else would post soon, hint, hint, nudge, nudge.

comfort ye my people

in the cantata this year we are singing two songs from handel's messiah, which is so challenging and so fun at the same time.  they are so powerful.  i was trying to decide what to study when i found a suggestion on a website to study all the scriptures in the messiah,  perfect i thought.  so today i studied isaiah 40:1-4

  Comfort ye, comfort ye my people, saith your God.  Speak ye comfortably to Jerusalem, and cry unto her, that her warfare is accomplished, that her iniquity is pardoned: for she hath received of the Lord’s hand double for all her sins. The voice of him that crieth in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.  Every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill shall be made low: and the crooked shall be made straight, and the rough places plain:

i don't pretend to know everything about isaiah or just like totally get him or anything, but i happen to like that his style is poetic and that there are many different layers or ways to understand.

the first thing i liked was the comfort part.  the message of Christ is comforting.  he says, for example, "Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."--isaiah 1:18  that's comforting to me.  his message is that 'your iniquity is pardoned'. "Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad. Let the earth break forth into singing. Let the dead speak forth anthems of eternal praise to the King Immanuel, who hath ordained, before the world was, that which would enable us to redeem them out of their prison; for the prisoners shall go free."--D&C 128:22. lots of things make us prisoners.  sin, weakness, frailty (did i just say weakness twice??), life circumstances, death, ignorance, etc.  all have a way of locking us up.  but the savior is the key.  he sets us free.

for the second part, i thought of myself as the earth--as the land.  so it is a call to prepare myself, my heart, my life for the coming of the Lord.  and without the living waters offered by the Saviour, i am a desert, parched and barren.  i need to straighten my crooked ways by following his commandments, following him, doing as he would do.  and he promises to clean me up.  get rid of my high places (pride for example) , and make my rough places smooth.  i don't know if this makes sense to anyone.  but that's how i thought of it today as i studied.

here's a pic of me in the crooked parched desert in egypt, in a high place looking at a valley with a bad case of hat-head.  i hope one day the Lord can make something out of the desert of me that i offer him.