to be lifted up--------uplifted

Before Christmas I had to give a talk on  "The learning process is endless"  and I chose to talk about how our learning about the Atonement needed to be endless.  Here is my talk in part:

Tad R Callester of the Seventies has said "Every attempt to reflect upon the atonement, to study it, to embrace it, to express appreciation for it, however small or feeble it may be, will kindle the fires of faith & work its miracle towards a more Christlike life "

Is not that the greatest of all miracles that we all want----to be more Christlike ?

I have heard even prophets and apostles say how each time they go to the Temple they strive to learn more about the atonement and feel they are only beginning to scratch the surface.

Perhaps the reason it is so important for us to keep learning about the atonement is because the more deeply & fully we understand it, the easier it will be for us to have faith, repent, & grow & live a little better day by day.  And that, after all, is what this University of Mortality is all about--------we don't get a degree, we get a character.  As we internalize the truths of the atonement & take it into our souls &  into our minds & hearts-----it truly can heal us from all things-----whatever kind of healing we may need.   Yes it is wonderful medicine to heal us from serious sins-----but it can help us with so much more.  And I think we all need all the help we can get.

One of the greatest manuals on earth to teach  about the atonement is The Book of Mormon.  The prophets & apostles are also good sources.

To me one of the most beautiful aspects of the atonement is its enabling grace.  I have been uplifted and enabled so many times to do things that otherwise completely overwhelmed me.

I would like to share one example I hope you will not find silly or mundane.  The atonement is to help with every day life, and I do not push a handcart through the snow in life threatening conditions, but like you I have my struggles that try me, & I have felt angels helping me.

I call this incident  "the rainbow connection".  It is about making a quilt for Christmas for somebody special who I love very much.  and I hope you will be able to see  that the making of the quilt is in part like the building of my life.

I started the quilt 5 years ago.  I dreamed how it should be in sort of a rough way----and I completed the back---because it was a double sided quilt.  The back was definitely the easy part.  But like so many projects and plans in our lives---it got put on the back burner.  Every so often I would get it out and look at it and ponder on how to finish it, but then it got put away again as other projects came to the fore.  But this Christmas as I was working on gifts for people in my family, the type of gifts I was making did not seem to be appropriate for this loved one.  Gradually it dawned on me that this was the year I should finish the quilt and give it to her.  Some times mothers know they just have to do somethings.

But of course there was a time frame & an urgency-----someone was coming to visit from out----wait a minute---I am writing this for family now-----the quilt was for Martha and Sarah was coming for a  brief visit and could take it home.   And before that, Bethany was going to have her baby and I would be away 2 weeks and unable to work on it.  So I had to get it done before my trip to Williams Lake.   It was a tall order for me.

I started in & everything ran quite smoothly.  My ideas seemed to be working. Even though I was using a really large sheet of fabric---the size almost of a queen size bed----and I was sewing appliques onto it -----which is very awkward as you have to pass it all under the needle of the machine, and manipulate and turn it-----When you do that, with that much cloth involved, invariably you accidentally catch some of the cloth that you don't intend & then you have to use your seam ripper and pick it out.  It never happened-----not once.  Usually, no matter what I am sewing,  my seam ripper is my most often used tool-----it's part of me & sewing.  Not this time.  As I kept sewing more things onto the quilt and it seemed to be progressing  quite speedily,  I began to sense that I was getting help making this quilt.

I should say here that certain things had to be on this quilt-----it had to have a big sun, because she was our sunshine, and it had to have muffins because she was our muffin & it had to have angels on it because she is my angel daughter, and because when she had her first psychotic episode, and John came to give her a priesthood blessing ( Dad was away) & she was shaking uncontrollably, we huddled bewildered together in my bed and she said to me  " Angels helping angels, right Mom?"  But then I realized it also had to have a rainbow, because rainbows are special to Martha.  They seem to uplift her and give her a boost of faith and hope.


I was a little worried about making the rainbow.  I had no pattern.  I dug through my cupboards to find the seven colours.  I had to go to my closet and use one of my shirts to get the orange.   Then without a pattern I cut them all out----miraculously they all fit together.  I didn't have to cut any of them more than once.  So then it was time to sew them onto the quilt.  I knew I was asking for trouble because they of course were all cut on the curve, which means they would stretch when sewed, and because they were all different types of fabric they would all stretch differently.  Not only that, I had to sew them on with the satin applique stitch which is a zig zag stitch really close together so that the edges wouldn't fray---and that stitch always tends to stretch fabric.  So I thought I would be dealing with a lot of puckering and a lot of problems.

With a prayer on my lips I started in-----& much to my amazement it went  smoothly and without a hitch.  I sewed the whole rainbow without a single pucker or any hint of a problem.  I felt very humbled and very blessed.  I was in awe because I knew for sure I was being "enabled"  over and above my own abilities.

It may seem a little unimportant thing to some, but it meant a lot to me.  It meant to me that the Lord was magnifying my efforts to show Martha that I loved her, in a way that was very obvious to me.  Even more than that it was a visual object lesson such as the Lord has given me from time to time that I can return to again and again.  If he will take the time to help me with something as small and seemingly insignificant as a rainbow on a whimsical quilt---how much more is he willing to help me & enable me with the really important struggles I am dealing with in my life---the one's that have to do with eternal family relationships. Some times our struggles take years to play out and we may fail to see the Lord's hand is guiding us and helping us, but we may rest assured that it is always there if we are pleading for it and seeking it.  And now when I have a concern that threatens my peace, I say to myself---but remember the rainbow.

I'm sorry this is turning out a lot longer than my talk.  I shared a scripture here that I love----Helaman 3:29
"Yea, we see  that whosoever will may lay hold upon the word of God, which is quick and powerful, which shall divide asunder all the cunning and the snares and the wiles of the devil, and lead the man of Christ in a strait and narrow course across that everlasting gulf of misery which is prepared to engulf the wicked

And land their souls, yea their immortal souls, at the right hand of God in the kingdom of heaven, to  sit down with Abraham, and Isaac, and with Jacob, and with all our holy fathers, to go no more out "

The two words that are most meaningful to me are, first, across----it doesn't say we have to wade laboriously through the gulf of misery----it puts in mind a bridge---that enables us to go across it.
The second word is ---land----which reminds me of a skilled fly fisherman who with great skill, casts his line and lands the fly precisely where he wants it.  He says he will do that with our souls.

I have realized that I am the kind of person who cares really deeply and tries really hard, and I hold on very tightly to what I am doing----and many times the Lord is trying to get through to me----wait a minute---you don't have to do this all yourself---in fact you can't do it yourself---I am shaking you up for a reason---I am trying to shake you loose, so you will let go and let me lift you up and over a lot of anguish-----by your putting your trust in me---simply doing what you know I want you to do and not worrying about the outcome.----knowing you are in skilled hands and I will land you where you will want to be.

To me  this is the essence of the enabling grace of the atonement.  And it seems that most often I must be faced with a situation that is totally overwhelming for me before I will accept this grace and let it do its miracles.

Did the quilt turn out perfectly ?   Of course not.  It is lopsided here and there, and has many flaws, like most things that I make------but I feel pretty good about the way it turned out.  Most important , I think it makes the statement I wanted it to make to Martha----that I love  her and that she is special to me.

And so it is with my life.  Neither is it turning out perfectly.  Few things in mortality do.  But with the enabling grace of the atonement I have the hope that my life's efforts will make the statements that I want them to, that my family members, loved ones and friends will know that I love them.  I have the hope that I can learn how to love and to give and to live with all my heart and to build eternally enduring relationships and to live a quality of life that is eternal.  It is the quest of a lifetime.

christmas is about saying "i love you"

on tuesday for young womens we watched Mr. Krueger's Christmas. i really love how it says Christmas is about saying "i love you". it got me thinking. Christmas really is about love. we give to people and receive, and spend special family time setting up the tree, caroling, being secret santas, making snowflakes and sharing what Christmas means to us. all of these are little acts of love. because Christmas is a great time to express our love for each other. it even started off with love. Heavenly Father sent us Jesus Christ, our Savior. his only begotten son. He sent him to come and provide our way back home. what greater act of love can there be shown to us?
my dad home teaches this lady and her husband. she has quite a few medical issues that make her stay home most of the time. her husband left for 2 weeks to go help her daughter, and she is in the midst of unpacking and downsizing. anyway, this lovely lady is paying me to go over to her house and help her out. today was my first day. it was so great to hear a few of her special stories and hear some of the wisdom she had to share with me. i could tell she was probably lonely and enjoyed having someone to talk to. it makes me feel great to be able to serve someone. especially because it's so close to Christmas. i already know that the Lord answers our prayers through other people a lot of the time and being the Lord's hands in her life is helping me feel the Christmas spirit so much more this year. because, Christmas is about saying i love you, and i love all of you

What happened when I tried to do too much, too soon.

Yesterday I went to the Relief Society Super Saturday, my first time with all 3 kids, alone. For those that don't know, I am the 1st councilor for RS here in Williams Lake, so I felt like I needed to be there. In addition, the RS president wanted me to make (gluten-free/grain-free) buns and 2 dozen cookies. For whatever reason, she has not been very understanding about the time it takes to recover and adjust after having a baby. I'm not sure why, but there is definitely something weird there. I didn't make any buns or cookies, I just couldn't.
Anyways, it was extremely stressful getting all the kids there. Angus screamed and cried the entire drive, and then he clung to my side once there and made whining noises, refusing to talk.  Eventually he calmed down and went to play, but then Wilder woke up and I had to see to him. I was completely exhausted by this point. It's not like it was a horrible experience, just exhausting and stressful. And suddenly, without any warning, I got hit with uncontrollable shakes and chills. One minute I was warm and toasty, the next I was freezing, icy icy cold, and I couldn't stop shaking. At the same time, My legs and head started to ache. I tried to stick it out, but I couldn't. I had to leave. I could barely stand to let go of the (warm) baby to put him in his car seat. My fingers could barely do up the buckles. Once in the car, I had to blast the heat. It wasn't even very cold out, only -2. But I couldn't get warm.
Once we got home, I gave Owen and Angus the iPad, turned the heat up, pulled on my thick fleece robe, and climbed under the covers. I was still icy cold. Thankfully the baby was sleeping, but I knew Owen and Angus were going to need me, and I couldn't--I just couldn't--get out from under the covers. I knew Angus' diaper needed to be changed, but thinking of getting out of bed made me actually start crying. I called Ben at work, but he wasn't sure when he'd be able to get away. He called Abby (sis in law), and she said she'd come over and look after the kids for me. So I lay there in bed, icy cold, shivering and suffering. It was awful.  I wasn't sure how long it was going to last, and how I would be able to bear it.  And then I remembered the atonement. How Christ took upon himself all the pains of the world, not just the guilt and shame of sin, but all of it, so that He would know how to comfort us. Remembering this, I said a prayer, asking for comfort.  Even as I was praying, waves of warmth began to roll over me. I was so grateful. I wasn't all of a sudden better--I was still achey all over and I was still cold, but it was bearable--so much better than before. And then Abby came and heated up my magic bag for me, and eventually I was warm.
So there is my little contribution about my experience with the atonement. It's not the most inspiring story ever, but I think it's important to remember that the atonement is there for us to use, not just when we are repenting, but any time we are in pain.

Gulf of misery and woe not just caused by sinI

For years I thought of the atonement as the solution for our sins.  It wasn't til in my later years that it began to dawn on me that it was the solution for all human perdicaments.  When I look back--- I think---how was I so dense----why didn't I get it.  I grow so slowly spiritually it seems  No wonder Heavenly Father gives us a long time on earth  Now that I realize it can help me with everything, the next thing to learn is to remember to use it---to always remember him.  It seems each situation or problem, takes prayer, scripture reading and pondering to figure out how to aply it and feel serene again.  Every now and then he gives me a really good object lesson that I can return to again and again throughout my life.  I guess that is why we need a long probation---until we realize how it can help us with every gulf and every misery and every woe.  I think I know now that, that learning will go on til the day we die----and I guess even longer than that.

and he shall give you rest

sometimes i just feel so tired and weary and weak and like each step is a heavy dragging plod of a leaden shoe caked with heavy mud.  sometimes i think there isn't much more that i can bear or take, or do.  i often feel overwhelmed and overworked.  so many times a problem seems unsolvable and a situation unbearable.  those are the times i need to remember to give my burden to the Lord.  he gives peace.  he is gentle and he gives rest to my soul.  there isn't a sunday that goes by, that if i give even just a little effort to worship or just take the sacrament that i don't find rest, peace and rejuvenation to my soul.  how many times have i cried my heart out to God and given him my desperation, my fears, and my desolation and somehow found a tender peace given back or the strength to go on.  and feasting on his word gives me light and joy and understanding and comfort and so much more.  mom's right--his grace is infinite and it's amazing and beautiful and i'm so thankful.

(i thin k this first photo looks like frodo)

Broken

Broken

While I was at girls came this year, we had the privilege of having kenneth cope come and he performed and spoke to us and he was as amazing as I thought he would be. This is one of my favorite songs that he performed. How often do we feel broken and small and useless? I know I do. It can be so discouraging. This song really spoke to me. It's ok that I'm broken. I'm supposed to be. I was made that way. It's part of His plan that we have weaknesses. If we bring our weaknesses to Him, he can heal our broken pieces. I had a hard day yesterday with my kids. They woke up really early, disobeyed me over and over again, made giant messes of things i had just cleaned... and when I have hard days with them I can't help but wonder why I'm a mother. Why am I even having another one? Am I crazy??? I am so bad at this... Of course, being hormonal a pregnant doesn't help. But then I remembered this song, and I listened to it, and I cried and I remembered that it's ok. I'm broken and I'm doing the best I can. The saviour will help fill in the cracks and hopefully my kids know that I love them even though I can get very upset with them. I have a lot to work on. Anyway,  make sure you click on the link at the top and give it a listen!

Tell them I was not his Father...

Another Christmas song that reminds of the Atonement----the Michael McLean one  where Joseph is singing about his relationship with Jesus, and he is lamenting how a carpenter so foolish and so flawed, could ever hope to raise the son of God...and then he tells how Jesus found the tender moments -------to let me know I'd done just fine. 

So we need to be close enough to the Saviour so we hear those tender moments when he is trying to tell us that too.    Then he smiled at me, me and my drum.   It's what we all need.  None of us can get back home without knowing he feels this way about us for real.